My Ex Ex-Gay Story

I can still see that damn chalkboard as if I was still sitting in the room at this moment. With its ex-gay rules and theologies scrawled along its green surface, bleeding into my brain and reminding me just how f*%#ed I was. It’s as if all these years, all this life had not passed and I am still sitting in that stuffy room with the others who, like me, were learning how to rid ourselves of this sinful and shameful same sex attraction. Every Monday night, I would climb those rickety stairs of Walmer Road Baptist Church to its attic which housed New Direction and my salvation.

Back then, I was a f*%#ed up kid in grownups clothes trying to do what I was told was the right thing. After all, I was a Christian and if I wanted to remain so and follow what the bible taught me, then it was my duty to sit in these classes and do as I was told. I learned how to sit like a man (cross at the ankles, never any higher!), what to do with my hands (dare not flair them about!), what to wear, who to talk to, what church to go to and even what parts of town were to be avoided at all costs! My entire life was laid out for me; all I had to do was what I was told and never ever do what I was warned not to.

I veered off course now and then only to learn that my struggles with same sex attraction were my fault. I was not praying enough, not attending church enough and not applying the lessons enough. I was shamed over and over, made to feel so insignificant – even stupid. After all, New Direction was almost as infallible as the bible and if I struggled, we all knew whose fault it was! The horrible little sinner who needed to be straightened out literally!

It needs to be said that my first counselor really did love me like a big brother. Like me, he was an ex-gay and now worked with other men who wanted what he found. He wanted the best for me and really did try to help me go straight. But he was in my life for such a short time. My next set of counselors were nothing more than university straight girls trying to understand what the hell I was going though. And none of them had a clue.

During my years associated with New Direction, I went off to bible college, got engaged to a woman, worked for Christian organizations and even went on missionary trips to save the lost souls. But if I am honest, I would have to tell you that my same sex attraction never left me. I just renamed it as sin and chose not to focus on it, push it out of my brain and into my prayers. Until my world unraveled. Even as an ex-gay, the Christian world did not want me. I was exposed, humiliated and removed from all that I loved. So what was I supposed to do? I came home to New Direction but something had changed, I was losing the battle and my same-sex attraction was not going away. And New Direction was changing. A new leader (from Living Waters no less!) was ushered in and unanswered questioned loomed everywhere. This, added to my aloneness and sinking feeling that I would never measure up, allowed the dark hole inside me to grow.

I did not leave New Direction with a ‘screw you’ attitude, nor did I embrace the gay lifestyle with any sort of excitement. And I most certainly did not leave a heterosexual. I left in shame with the words of the then executive director (which had been said many times for years) that should I choose to go back to the gay lifestyle, I would be a whore, a prostitute, or a pedophile. Because according to them, there was no such thing as a healthy gay lifestyle. And according to New Direction, I was just not trying hard enough which made me so feel so very less than those who were able to go straight. So I chose what I thought was my fate and gave my body to anyone who gave me attention. This sinful lifestyle dominated my life and drove me to attempt suicide, and to a sad existent that would stay with me like a bad dream for many years.

It would be several years before I would walk back into a church; even then it was not my idea to go. But there I was, sitting in the 2th pew on an early Sunday morning at MCC Toronto when I heard the preacher say from the pulpit welcome home and even though those words were spoken to the congregation, I knew they were for me. God was welcoming his gay kid home. It took a few years and a whole lot of love from some very determined people (thank you Jo and Brent) but I finally rid myself of the New Direction philosophy (read bullsh*#t!) and renewed my faith in a God of my own understanding on a spiritual path of my own choosing and started to create a life that mattered to me.

And so went my life for a few years. Just a normal ex-ex-gay with a ton of baggage trying to make his way in this screwed up world. Then out of nowhere New Direction came back into my life.

An openly gay friend told me he had been in touch with New Direction and he alluded to their change. He told me of New Direction’s ‘transformation’ but I was beyond skeptical and untrusting: I refused to hear anything more about it. New Direction was nothing more than a f*%#ed up ministry run by mean, f*%#ed up people and I would not hear of any sort of change.

Then at a chance meeting, I met Wes and when I learned that he worked for New Direction, I became angry and challenged him with hot, angry words. Wes did not flinch; instead he invited me for coffee. Wes shared with me the ‘new philosophy’ of New Direction and how they had changed. But I was still not convinced. I was still hurt and very scared but somehow Wes saw through that and allowed me to vent. It was through him that I found healing of old wounds that I thought were long gone. And it was because of him and my friend that I asked to meet with the new Executive Director, Wendy Gritter.

Before I met with Wendy, I researched this new New Direction and looked for clues that would reveal that they had not changed at all, that it was a cleaver Christian ploy to lure unsuspected gays back to the fold. But I could not find anything but for small notices on websites that spoke of their changing. So I went ahead and met with Wendy: still beyond skeptical and untrusting, I grilled her for almost 2 hours and even enlightened her on a few things. The result of this conversation was a letter she sent me and has posted on her blog and website. Tears still flow when I read her words. Here is what she wrote:

“I recently met with two gentlemen who had been recipients of New Direction’s services. One was from the early years, before I took my role in 2002. The other had connected just a few years ago. I had never met either of them before, but I am grateful they took the time to meet with me at Starbucks.” Read the rest of the letter here.

Truly God can move mountains. New Direction is no longer an ex-gay ministry but has become an ally for gay Christians! Even as I write this, I am once again in happy shock that a ministry who once destroyed lives is now offering us love! I can only image the healing that is possible for others who, like me, were terribly wounded by the old New Direction!

Today, I am very happy out and proud ex-ex-gay man…and a supporter for the new New Direction.

For those who have been hurt by f*%#ed up people “sharing” f*%#ed up messages: there is hope! Trust in the God of your own understanding and healing will come as you walk on the spiritual path of your own choosing – and if you need a friend, I’m here.

Blessings,
Darin Squire