Some weeks ago I was asked a very blunt question by a gay activist. His question was, “Wendy, would you attend a gay wedding and bring a gift – or would you snub the gay wedding?” The question seemed to come a bit out of the blue, not particularly connected to the preceeding dialogue in the comments section …. but there it was in black and white waiting for my response.
Now looking back, I wish I’d thought to have been wise like Jesus – who often answered such “testing” questions with a question in return. Or I wish I’d had some revelation of just the right parable to tell in response.
But not being as wise as Jesus, I’m not sure I could have come up with a question in response that wouldn’t have just seemed evasive and gutless. And man, where is a good parable when you need one? Instead, partly impulsive and partly with a commitment to engaging with authenticity, I decided to answer the question directly.
I responded and said, “I would go to a close friend’s gay wedding and yup, I’d bring a gift. I know that all of my close friends know what I believe about sexual ethics and would not assume my beliefs had changed but that my attendance was a sign of my love and friendship. I’m sure I would get some serious flack for this decision – but at the end of the day, I believe loving people is what God asks of me.”
I suppose at the time I was most thinking of gay and lesbian people (if anyone at all) reading my response. And despite what could be read as a flippant tone in my response, this is a question and a scenario that I have given much thought and prayer to. My focus in responding to the question was seeing an opportunity to build a bridge and to give a practical example of unconditional love in action. Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional approval.
Joe Dallas in his book, “When Homosexuality Hits Home” speaks about both conscience and comfort needing to be considered when making decisions about engagement with those with whom we hold disagreements – about homosexuality or really any other number of issues. And different people have different sensitivities in terms of their own conscience and their own comfort levels.
In I Corinthians chapter 8 Paul speaks about the issue of food being sacrificed to idols – and he explains that some people could go ahead and eat such food with the understanding that there is no power behind it …. while others with a weaker conscience were best to stay away from such meat. Then he goes on to say, “Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol’s temple, won’t he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall.”
And here is the dilemma. I am very comfortable around gay and lesbian people – no problem there. In looking at my own conscience, I have a secure sense of peace that God knows my heart in intentionally extending love and friendship to my gay neighbours and that attending any celebratory event of a gay couple or family would be an expression of that love and friendship. I am reminded in Luke 15 of the parable Jesus tells of leaving the 99 sheep (in the open country none-the-less where they could wander off, be attacked by wolves etc.) to go and search for the one who was lost. I want my presence in my friendships with the gay people in my life to sing with the presence of Jesus – so that if they don’t know him, they might encounter him – and if they do know him, that they would be encouraged in their relationship with him.
And so while I read Paul’s words – and would not want my actions or decisions to be a stumbling block to any other follower of Jesus (though, I hardly think that my willingness to attend a gay wedding is going to suddenly open the flood-gates of Christians showing up at the best decorated wedding receptions in the land) ….. I have to say that the words of Jesus are trump for me. I certainly do not seek to intentionally offend or scandalize other believers. But at the end of the day, they can go and find like-minded believers to hang out with and be encouraged by. God has called me to befriend and love my gay neighbours – and I will seek to love them with as robust a love as I can offer.
Truth is, this isn’t theoretical stuff for us at New Direction. These are real life decisions we need to prayerfully discern. And as Brian shares in the next post the practical out-working of such a decision, we pray that the fruit of our discernment and love will be evident for those with eyes to see and ears to hear. In the end, whether you agree or disagree, we will seek to embody the presence of Jesus in all of the unique and particular places God calls us to – and encourage you to do the same in your own circles of influence.
Great posts, Wendy and Brian. It’s interesting how preoccupied we can be as Christians with making sure others understand that we view their behavior as sinful – particularly, I think, in the arena of sexuality, and even more so where homosexuality is concerned. On the one hand I can sort of understand this, because we live in a time and place where moral relativism is the norm, and traditional concepts of sex and marriage are disappearing. So maybe in some way we’re “doing our part” as Christians in standing against cultural norms, proclaiming God’s truth. But I’m not sure this is what motivates most Christians to speak out against homosexuality. I think the main issues, unfortunately, are fear and ignorance – dare I use the “H” word, homophobia? Even though most will mouth the “love-the-sinner-hate-the-sin” slogan, in their hearts they are repulsed by and afraid of gay people, and view homosexual behavior as worse than other sins. And, to be fair, most Christians haven’t had the opportunity to see a different approach modeled – though with ministries like New Direction available, this will hopefully change.
Isn’t Paul playing on this prejudice to make his point when he writes his letter to the Romans? He speaks about people falling into sin when they “exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man” – a list of sins that includes homosexual behavior, but also “lesser” sins – envy, greed, gossip, strife. He goes on to say, “you, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”
So Paul is saying, in effect, “don’t act all shocked and repulsed, because you’re just as bad!” All of us stand condemned apart from God’s grace. If we truly have a revelation of this, we will understand that our job as Christians is to love people, to pray for them and to shine God’s light. Jesus hung out with sinners. He didn’t approach people saying, “hi, I’m Jesus, the Messiah, and I just want you to understand that I disapprove of your lifestyle.” Instead, he said “let’s hang out – why don’t we go to Starbucks for a coffee?”
I want to love like Jesus loved. I know it’s not always easy – there’s no formula or book (“Seven Steps To Loving Your Gay Friends Without Them Thinking You Approve Of Their Lifestyle”), but God’s love, His very character, is expansive, inclusive, welcoming. When we love like this, we open the door for the Holy Spirit to work in another’s life.
Hello Wendy, My name is Lloyd Peacock, my spouse Bob and I were one of the couples in B.C. who took our government to court so we might show our love in a very public way, by marrying in church. We were also very close friends of Frank Shears, who at one time headed up the largest change ministry in B.C. Like many former ex-gay Christians we have known, Frank discovered that he couldn’t continue pretending he was something other than who God created him to be. Frank fell from grace and had a same-sex weekend affair. He shared this with one of the board members and that was the end of his ministry. His church rebuked him in front of the large congregation and stripped him of his duties. He lost both his church and his family because of his “slip back into the “Lifestyle.” This was too much for Frank and he went on a sexual binge. The end result was that he contracted AIDS. He died in 1994 and the church was overflowing with friends from his former church as well as the members of Liberty Community Church, which we attended. My partner Bob and I were sitting in the front pew as mourners walked by his picture. We were struck by the sight of a group of mentally challenged angels that walked by and touched Frank’s picture, as the tears streamed down their cheeks.
I said to Bob that these people didn’t know if Frank was gay or straight. I don’t think they care, they just know that someone they loved was taken from them. At that moment I discovered the true meaning of “Love.” People who are totally non-judgmental, that accept us with all our warts.
I have been advised by Lisa Darden that she interviewed you for her upcoming documentary, “For Such a time as This.” She also said you were a very cool person. From what I have read so far on your Blog, I must agree with her. You appear to be all about love and without condemnation. Bob and I are Pentecostal and have tried to fit into a few of the mainline churches. There was one major obstacle. They wanted to change two people who didn’t want to be changed and believe that God created us just the way we are. We accepted the Lord as our personal Savior in 1988, at a small church in Phoenix, Arizona. The church ministered to gay and lesbian people and we had a life changing experience. God changed everything about us. However He left one thing the same: Our sexual orientation. We try not to judge others who want to, or believe they can change. We will however continue to serve God as two Christians who are gay, and saved by mercy and grace. We wish you well and continue to show love, mercy and grace.
Lloyd Peacock
Hi Lloyd – thanks for stopping by. I would imagine that if given the opportunity to sit and have dinner together you’d have some stories to tell 🙂
I am touched by your story of Frank’s funeral … there has been so much pain …. and yet the love of Frank’s developmentally delayed friends is a glimpse into the Father’s heart.
Thanks for your response Wendy. Yes we have a few stories to share during our Christian walk.One that leaps out at me is when we decided that we wanted to attend a large Pentecostal church in Vancouver. Bob is a Gospel singer and we were moved by their praise and worship. I always say that Bob and I have been out before it was in to be out. I emailed the senior pastor to tell him that we wanted to be regular attendees at the church and also shared that we were two gay men who were searching for a welcoming church.
The pastor was a very nice man who thought Bob and I should meet with him and one of his associate pastors for an hour each Tuesday. We met for several weeks and discussed homosexuality and the Bible, their interpretation and ours.They said that we seemed different than most gay people they had met, we weren’t quite sure what that meant? Then at one meeting the senior pastor wanted to discuss the meaning of love. He said, I don’t want to offend you but may I pose a question? If a young farm girl fell in love with her bull, would that be OK in your minds?
After picking myself off the floor I thought I should use my humour to pardon the expression, straighten him out. So my response was: That would depend on how the bull felt. He had very high blood pressure and we thought he was going to collapse. Bob and I decided there would be no good reason to continue those meetings but we wanted to keep attending church.
A few weeks later the associate pastor was delivering a message on God’s plan for our lives, or His plan as perceived by the pastor. He know of course that we were sitting in the pews. He called three people to the front of the church. A young woman, a young man and the pastors wife. He then walked toward the young lady, as if to put his arms around her. He stopped, shook his head and said: No, no, that isn’t God’s plan. he then walked toward the young man and reached out his arms. He stopped, shook his head and said: This is certainly not God’s plan. He finally wrapped his arms around his wife and said: Now this is God’s plan. Bob and I decided after this circus that we could no longer attend the church that we loved so much.We could not sit and be ridiculed without causing a scene, so it was easier to leave. Interestingly, a few months later there was a split in the church. Both the senior and associate pastors have left. I sometimes wonder, was that possibly part of God’s plan? I guess we’ll never know.
I’m sorry Lloyd to hear of some of your experiences in the church – and grateful that you have maintained a sense of graciousness and humour in spite of it. I do hope that you have found a fellowship in which you are encouraged in your journey with Christ – heaven knows the church needs more gracious people who actually do have a sense of humour 🙂
Hi Wendy:
Below is my testimony that was printed on the website of “Whosoever” in 1999. A lot has happened since then. For example you will notice my surname was Thornhill. After Bob and I were married I wanted to honour him by taking his last name.
Following God’s Call
by: Lloyd Thornhill
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I wanted to tell you a little about my partner Bob and I, and our hearts for God’s gay and lesbian children. For 20 of our 31 years together we were not Christian, in fact, we spent most of our time looking at the bottom of a bottle.
I used to love watching Jimmy Swaggert on TV. His music was truly anointed. Then he would start walking up and down the platform attacking homosexuals, and saying they would burn in hell. This really affected me and whenever I drank the thought ran through my mind, that God didn’t love me, in fact, no one loved me because I was gay. Then one winter night about two weeks before Christmas I went on a drinking spree. In a very drunken stupor I drove my car across a bridge in downtown Vancouver. The last thing I recall was knowing I couldn’t carry my burden any longer, so I pressed the gas peddle to the floor. At 75 miles an hour I ran into a concrete barrier. The firemen had to remove me from the wreck with the “Jaws of Life.” The police thought I had died in the crash, but later on as I looked back to that night I realized that God’s hand was on my life. He had work for Bob and I to do.
About a year later Bob and I quit drinking, and lost most of our fair weather friends. We felt such a void in our lives. In March of 1988 we began planning our vacation. As we scanned several travel magazines the name Phoenix came to me as if someone was telling me we should go to Phoenix. When I mentioned going to Phoenix he asked if I was crazy. He said there is nothing in Phoenix except desert. But, I would not let it drop. For some reason we needed to be in Phoenix. So the Lord prevailed. We headed to Phoenix. We booked a wonderful hotel in Scottsdale, and it was very enjoyable, but that void was still there.
As we sat at the pool one Saturday afternoon Bob read me an article in the local paper about something called a Holy Union taking place at an MCC church. For some strange reason I suggested we go to a service the following day. Bob said, now I know you are crazy, we haven’t been inside a church in 20 years. But, again I heard that voice saying we needed to go, it was important to be there. So I asked for directions to the street where the church was located, and on Sunday morning we started off on our quest. We became lost during our journey, and had no idea where we were. But I didn’t know that the Holy Spirit was in control of the car. I took a few turns and drove down a rather scary street. Then we found ourselves in front of a tiny church with the name, ” Casa de Cristo Evangelical Church.” We were terrified, and quite nervous about going in. They were in the midst of their first service and we could hear the beautiful singing. The next service was to start in an hour, so we decided to go for coffee and decide whether to go, or not. When we arrived back at the church there was an angel standing outside, who welcomed us with open arms, and a big smile. Her name was Betty and I know that God used her in a mighty way that day. She encouraged two broken gay men to enter God’s house, and be changed for evermore. Thank you Jesus. As we entered the sanctuary I realized that I had never before seen faces like I was looking at there. There was no doubt that these were gay and lesbian people, but their faces appeared to be shining and there was a peace I had never seen before. Whatever it was about them I knew in the depth of my soul I needed the same. All through the service I spent my time being anointed by the beautiful worship, and hung on every word of the pastor’s message. To me it was a taste of heaven.
After the service Bob and I moved to the fellowship hall and met some of the folks. The pastor approached us with a handshake and warm smile. He introduced himself as Fred Pattison who was a former Baptist Minister. He said that he had left the church for several years because he wasn’t accepted by his denomination. The way he put it was that he became a “Whore.” But God would not remove His hand from Fred’s life, and He led him back to ministry. Fred invited us back for the evening service which he said was more casual and there was a time of sharing. We said maybe, with no real intention of returning. But as we drove back to the hotel and shared our thoughts, we realized that what we found was too good to let go. We did return that evening and while the people were singing ” Let’s Lift Up Holy Hands” we surrendered our lives to the Lord, and made Him our Lord and Savior.
We returned to Vancouver a short time later but found that our jobs did not satisfy us. The strangest things began to happen. One night we were at work late and a young woman approached. She asked why Bob and I were still working. I asked what she was talking about, because I had been working at that government job for 20 years, and I had my pension to consider. She just said that she felt we should be in ministry. One morning a short time after that discussion I was sitting in our living room, Bob came downstairs and said today is the day, isn’t it? I said yes it is. That was the day in August, 1990 that we left our secure jobs and followed Jesus.
God has blessed Bob with a beautiful singing voice, so we returned to Phoenix where our life changing experience had started. We spent 6 months there studying under some anointed pastors, and singing at churches, including MCC and many nursing homes. When we returned to Vancouver we left the MCC church we had been attending because Jesus was not welcome at that church. Pastor Johnson and his wife Shirley began Sunday services at Liberty in April, 1991 and that is where God led us. Since that time there have been mountains and valleys in our lives, but God has been with us every step of the way.
I have always had an ache in heart for people from the so called ex-gay movement. I picked up a little booklet at a church booth one day. The book was the testimony of a man named Frank Shears. It described how he overcame his homosexuality and now was leading an ex-gay ministry in Vancouver. As I read the book I felt a real burden to pray for this very confused man. A few months later I noticed a man sitting in the back pew at church, he was quietly weeping. The same man came to our Tuesday evening bible study, and I was impressed by his knowledge of scripture. A few weeks later at our monthly potluck I sat next to this same man. In order to start up a conversation I asked him what church he had attended before coming to Liberty. He said Burnaby Christian Fellowship. I knew all about that church because they had the ex-gay ministry there. So I asked, “What do you think of this guy Frank Shears?” His response was, “I am Frank Shears.” We became close friends, and remained so until the day he died of AIDS. Frank was so well known that a month before he died CBC did an interview with him for national TV. He said that the only regret he had was telling so many young gay people that they could change. He knew that there was no possibility of them ever changing.
I didn’t realize just how big a struggle it is for some people to reconcile one’s sexuality and spirituality until a former board member of Liberty asked me a strange question. This man was in his 50’s and his question was, do you believe that God heals. My response of course was yes. Then he asked, why hasn’t He healed me? I didn’t know what was wrong with him so I asked. He said, he hasn’t healed me of my homosexuality. The only thing I could think to say was, God won’t heal that which isn’t sick.
Copyright ©1999 by the author
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