This summer I attended my first gay wedding. Jon and I had been friends for 7 years, having first met while we were both part of an Exodus affiliated ministry in the States. In the years since then our lives have taken radically different paths. Two years ago he came to my wedding, flying from the Midwest to Portland, Oregon simply to be there with me on my big day. It was between the service and the reception that we sat down in a basement Sunday school room and he told me that he now had a boyfriend.
I knew then that our friendship would change. Up until that time it had been based on shared experiences and beliefs – beliefs that with the passage of time were changing for him. But I also knew that Jon was a friend that I cared deeply about and I was not going to let this hinder our friendship. So as I hugged him that day I promised him that we would always be friends.
Over the next few years we had a number of long talks, we debated theology and principles of hermeneutics, but also shared laughter and trust. We talked of our relationships and families, and even went on to be filmed for a documentary together. I watched the pain in his life as many of his Christian friends and even family members dropped out of his life.
At first I had questions about whether I should attend his wedding or not. But by the time the day rolled around I had settled that in my head. I felt strongly that as a friend and as a Christ follower for me not to have gone would have sent a message of conditional love. That wasn’t what I wanted. So my goal in attending was to simply be present and show my love for Jon and Chris as openly and genuinely as I could.
The night before the wedding my wife and I were invited to a dinner and bachelor party. At the dinner I found myself in the distinct minority of being the only guy at the table there with a girl. Many there were already friends of mine, but it made me aware of what it means to be in the minority. This was especially highlighted when others turned to me and asked “So what do you do for a living anyways?” But after a few tense moments of explaining, tongue firmly implanted in cheek, that I was “in the business of forcing gay people to become straight”, people around me laughed and began to relax, and ask questions. For several of the people there, the fact that as a conservative Christian I would be willing to travel and simply be there for an event like this meant that they were willing to listen to what I had to say. And as I respectfully shared, and more importantly listened to their stories and experiences, I was able to make new friends. I even got to help a couple people see that simply because they were gay didn’t mean that Christians had to treat them like jerks.
The wedding itself was done in the Quaker tradition, with the focus on silence and collective sharing. When my time came, I spoke words from my heart. Many there knew who I was from the documentary we did together, and I knew there was some tension at what I would say. By speaking words of honest grace and love, speaking of our friendship and the good that was in the two of them even in the known tension of our differing beliefs, I believe that I acted in good faith as a friend and a Christ follower. When I finally got to Jon and Chris in the receiving line, they both hugged me and told me how grateful they were that I had come, and how much it meant to them.
And then there was an awkward moment as I had to explain to them that I could not sign the guest registry. According to Quaker tradition, all those who did so were seen as officiates in the wedding, and my own vows and conscience prohibited me from doing so. For me it was the line in the sand I couldn’t cross in good faith. But Jon just smiled. Our friendship was built on respect, and he respected my own beliefs and limitations, and valued me for who I was, even as I valued him. “I’m just glad you’re here” he told me.
As I drove home I was full of mixed emotions, happy and sad all at once. Happy for the good things happening in Jon’s life, and happy for the friendship we still shared. Sad, at the same time, for the loss of shared values and beliefs. What I appreciated most was that Jon accepted all of those feelings in me that weekend, even as I accepted him. It occurred to me on the way home how many rich and meaningful conversations I got to have that weekend and that in many ways I had gotten to minister that weekend, sharing what I believe, caring for others and more… but that if I had gone seeing the weekend as an opportunity to minister I don’t think I would have been in the right place to do so at all. In the end it was my willingness to simply be present in Jon’s life with no strings attached that allowed me to both minister to others, and in truth be ministered to by others. And that is enough.
-BP
Sad at the loss of shared values and beliefs….
Sorry…I just don’t get it. If a friend said to me that he/she no longer believed in eternal security, sadness would not even be a part of the picture. It just wouldn’t.
But homosexuality? Now there is something to be sad about? Please. This post just goes to show that homosexuality is indeed different from all other issues. Freakish, weird, icky. Another category alltogether.
And would there be any consideration whether or not to attend a straight marriage for parties that would be marrying for the 3rd or 4th time? No, conservative Christians would at the very least acknowledge and celebrate such a marriage. Would the register be signed for this? In all likelihood, yes. It would be seen as a celebration of God’s “grace”.
I dont know if this person (annonmous) is being sarcastic? joking ? or really expressing hs true fellings that being gay, (in our all sinful and fallen states) is “freakish, weird, icky:) as a lesbian you dont know what you may be missing:)
However, contacting new directions for help and acceptance of my lesbianism and reconciling this with a faith in God with know shame or guilt, is something Wendy is working towards, at times with me. If you are being funny? people reading this dont get inside jokes.
If your sentiments are real and true for you, I feel sad at how limited you are. You actually, could use a friend at new directions Im sure.
If you can only see gay people in an “icky” sexual context rather then all of who we are. As I repeat, you appear to be limited in heart and mind. And yes, Jesus loves you and your ignorance.
Rhonda
I am sorry, one more thing ifthis is a man or women Christian or not, if you intend to ever try to authentical befriend a gay person, remember, that faking it is just the same as a
Fear based love, is as bad as fear based hatred.
Good for you Brian. It was right for you to be at your friend’s wedding.
Rhonda,
Why don’t you try to read *at face value* what I wrote?
I meant literally that a friend’s beliefs or change in them should not hinder my happiness at having them for a friend. I gave an example of that with eternal security. Why would it make any difference if my friend is a Calvinist or Armenian?
I see no difference with someone who has reread and studied the Sciptures for themselves — that God does allow gay marriage. But for many Christians it does indeed separate. And my comment about freakish is the only reason I can give as to why it would.
Personally, I find my straight friends divorcing and remarrying 4 or 5 times to be freakish, but as they are straight, there is no sense in the church of not signing a guest book to acknowledge them.
My comments were not really that difficult to understand; you seemed to get very defensive. And thanks but no thanks for New Directions. I went through 4 years of ex-gay insanity and would rather live in an honest frame of mind.
I’ll leave this blog for the ex-gay know it alls as you expound on your wonderful lives and experiences in between yours slips and falls.
I think that one of the most important things that we can do in bridging the gap is to take the time to listen, to really listen to each other in the midst of this dialogue.
I think often it is easy, given past negative experiences, to listen to only one phrase, one wording, that sets us off, and then stop our ears and fill in what we assume they must be saying.
But I would ask you to go back and read the article again. It took a great deal for me to post it. I was opening up a particularly sensitive place of my own journey because I want people, on both sides of the issue to get a sense of how I walked through it.
I think that your question about why I felt sad at the loss of shared values and beliefs was a valuable on to ask…I just wish that you had actually asked and listened for an answer instead of filling in your own that is so far away from where I am at.
To be quite honest, I am still reflecting on and trying to understand all the emotions that I felt over the course of the weekend. Mixed emotions are always complex to pull apart. But I think I understand myself enough to say that it is not because I see my friend as “freakish, weird, icky, or in another category altogether”
I think that you would have understood where I was coming from much more if you had read the linked article. Because it deals with some of those exact issues.
You question me refusing to sign the registry, and assume that I would do it for anyone else besides a gay friend, and you are wrong. I have politely declined to officiate at a number of straight weddings over the year on a variety of grounds, and in each one found it complex as this situation to know the right thing to do, but acted as my conscience dictated at the time.
Did i do the right thing in not signing it? All I can say is it was what made sense at the time. Ten years from now I might look at it differently. What I am glad for is that my friends have the grace to accept me where I am now, and to respect me in this process. Which is what this is about isn’t it. Respect has to be a two way street.
I don’t think that we at New Directions have ever claimed to have all the answers. We have been rather upfront in saying that we are fallen human beings in need of grace, trying to perceive God’s will but that we will not always get it right. This post was not about me “doing things the perfect way”. It is a tale of the journey that I am on trying to live out my faith in relationship with my gay friends.
You make the comparison to me being sad in this situation is being like someone being sad because they changed their view on eternal security. I think that doesn’t really give the full picture. Try this: You and a friend grew up together as calvinist, but one day you discovered that everyone you knew thought you were a heretic because you were only 4 points instead of 5. For years you were shamed because of it, and then one day after going off to university you found a group of friends who also were 4 pointers like you. For then next four years of your life you hang out at university, reading and studying. You attend conferences and seminars together, and sometimes go argue in debates with both 5 pointers and the occasional Armenian. You have found a sense of camaraderie and belonging of having friends who finally understand you. Then one day your friend announces that after much study and thought, he is now Armenian. You love this friend dearly, and are still going to be his friend ofcourse. You respect the difficulty that he struggled through in changing something that played such a big role in his life.
But now he doesn’t come to conferences anymore. You don’t see each other anymore because you travel in different circles. When you do see each other it is tonnes of fun and you love each other, but you have to be careful, because if you mention at a party with his new friends that you are Calvinist they are going to put you through through 20 question, or roll their eyes at you, or accuse you of being a close minded and tell you stories of their Anabaptist ancestors who were drowned in lake geneva.
And even though you have been working through your own faith and are now at best a 3 point Mullenist with emergent tendencies…yeah you are sad because you miss the easy closeness when things were simpler and you agreed on everything and you didn’t have to worry about offending each other or making a wrong choice because you were both on the same page.
And maybe it is silly to get so caught up on this issue…but both of you have spent your whole life defined by it whether you like it or not….so it makes it hard sometimes.
Okay maybe I am stretching the metaphor here. But this is the genuine place that i am walking through. And having walked beside hundred of Christians these last years as they try to process through these beliefs, I do know that if we can’t be honest about how we feel without being attacked, then no progress will be made at all.
So I understand that you may have come to a different understanding of things, and that getting there may have been hard and painful. But please be patient and understanding for those who aren’t there yet, or may never be there. If you start from the belief that anyone who disagrees with you must be hypocritical, close minded and hateful (though it is obviously true that many people are) and mock even those brave souls that are willing to listen to the other side and be vulnerable enough to engage in dialogue because they are not as enlightened as you….then how are you truly different than those who didn’t listen to you because they assumed because you were gay you must be an immoral, digusting pagan?
It’s easy to do the knee jerk judgement thing. It easy to stop listening. But when we do all of this is for nothing, and I think we fail to live up to what Christ is calling us to. I willing to admit I don’t have it all together, and that is why I am here. I hope that you can find a way to do the same.
– Brian